A Parent's Guide To Nationals, Part 2

WFM Elizabeth Spiegel is the longtime coach of IS 318 in Brooklyn, NY. Her school has won dozens of national championships and was featured in the documentary "Brooklyn Castle." In 2012, IS 318 became the first middle school to win the national high school title.

This is the continuation to "A Parent's Guide To Nationals, Part 1."

4. Don’t be results oriented. I’ve been in a lot of team rooms over the years, and everywhere I see the same heartbreaking scene: a young kid plays for hours, loses in some tragic fashion, comes back to his team room, exhausted, pulls opens the heavy door, and a sea of faces turn to him and all say in unison “HOW DID YOU DO?”

WFM Elizabeth Spiegel has the full attention of her students.

Nationals can be a very emotional experience. It’s possible to play well and lose a lot of games. That’s true in general in chess and so it’s important that your child develops a way to judge his/her performance that is not just based on the end result. You can model that in what you say or ask after the game. Instead of asking how someone did, which values winning, try saying “You played for a long time; I’m really proud of you,” or “I’m surprised to see you back so soon. Was your game really short?” These alternatives communicate that your focus is on how thoughtful they were.

If someone runs up to me and obviously won, I might say “You look really happy. Did you play an especially good game?” putting the emphasis on the quality of the game rather than just the result. I also love the simple “Tell me about your game.” Kids will often respond with “I won” or “I lost,” and then I nod and say “Yes, tell me about it.”

IS 318 students at work.

5. Protect them from negativity. Chess tournaments are very intense, formative experiences. Your child will experience success and failure and be learning how to deal with both. This is really important! You should be watching, talking about it with your child afterwards, and possibly intervening in the moment if you see something you don’t like.

Don’t hire a teacher who seems overly critical, negative, or who makes fun of kids. Steer your child away from friends who are overly competitive all the time. Don’t let your child trash talk when they play blitz, and say something to the coach and other parents if that’s going on in the team room, or if you feel like the atmosphere isn’t supportive. It’s important both for your child’s character development and for his chess — self-confidence is really important to playing well.

Don't have a coach to review games? That's OK. Stop by the ChessKid booth at nationals and maybe seven-time U.S. Women's Champion GM Irina Krush will help out!

6. Don’t dismiss losses. I see a lot of parents tell their child “Oh it's OK” and try to distract them from their sadness at losing as soon as they come back to the team room. But it’s important to give your child the time to work through their grief and you can, by listening and asking questions, help them learn from it. Get out a board and ask them to show you the game, even if you don’t play chess. Try just saying “tell me about that move” every few moves.

If you can’t look at it on a board, ask them to tell you about it and then really try hard to listen. Don’t tell them you don’t understand. Just listen. When they stop, say, “What decision did you spend the most time on? Tell me about it.” Or “Which of your opponent’s moves surprised you?” Ask them where they think they went wrong. Ask if they felt focused or distracted and why. Ask them what they would do differently next time.